Bedtime Routines

Not to grossly generalize (which is exactly what I’m doing), but I’ve noticed, through my own experiences and from talking with friends, that the bedtime routines of men and women vary greatly:

Women:

1. Floss and brush teeth

2. Remove makeup

3. Wash face

4. Exfoliate

5. Apply face cream, eye cream and neck cream

6. Moisturize

7. Take various pills

8. Clean mouth guard (which is needed in order to prevent teeth grinding which is caused by, among other things, the anxiety of having a lengthy bedtime routine)

9. Think. Can you go to Hell for grossly generalizing? Is there a Hell? What happens when we die? Am I dying? Why am I thinking about dying?…Why did Victoria say that to me today? Was she trying to be mean? Or is she just insensitive? Or stupid? Maybe she was just hungry. She’s getting really fat, actually. Stop it, that’s mean! You’re totally going to Hell…Do I really have to get up at 5:30 for spin class? If I don’t go I’ll have to pay for the class anyway and I will have wasted a bike that someone else could have used. Oh but there’s a wait list! Someone will be thrilled to get off the wait list, more thrilled to have the spot than I am.  It’s settled, I’m not going.  It’s the unselfish thing to do. Or should I just go?…..Why wasn’t I invited to that dinner? Why do I care? I don’t even want to go to that dinner.  But if they ask me now I’ll still go.  Or maybe I shouldn’t.  It’s rude to extend the invitation so late!…What should I wear to my meeting tomorrow? Thank God I still work. But maybe I should quit so I can spend more time with my kids. They say kids need their parents more as they get older. Are my kids “older”?… Should we go skiing in March? There won’t be mosquitoes in Utah, right? Although there was one in our apartment last week. Maybe we should just stay home. But Winter Break was sooooo tedious. Not that I don’t love spending time with my kids.  I really do. Especially when there’s no schedule. But they really do better with a schedule. Maybe we’ll stay home and I’ll sign them up for some activities. But they’ll complain if I make them do activities. Maybe we should go away after all…

Men:

1. Brush teeth