An Exclusive Interview with Old McDonald

I sat down in our news studio to interview Old McDonald about the changes that have taken place in the farming industry over the years and how those changes have affected him. Below is an excerpt from the interview.

Me: So, Mr. McDonald—

OMD: Call me “Old.”

Me: Ok, Old. Can you tell me a little bit about yourself for the benefit of our viewers who might not be familiar with you?

OMD: Well, my name is Old McDonald and I had a farm.  E-I-E-I-O. And on that farm I had some cows.  E-I-E-I-O. With a moo moo here and a moo moo there. Here a moo, there a moo, everywhere a moo moo.

Me: I see.  Did you have any animals other than cows?

OMD: Of course!  What do you think, it was a meager operation?  It was a full- service farm!  I had sheep, ducks, pigs, goats, lambs and horses. Any animal that made sounds a child could replicate.

Me: It sounds lovely.  Tell us when things started to change.

OMD: Everything was going great until people decided they only wanted grass-fed meat.  Two people got Mad Cow disease and everyone panicked.  A lot of supermarkets decided to only sell bison meat and I didn’t have any bison.  Overnight I was expected to run a sustainable farm where the animals were raised  in a “stress-free” environment and treated with care and respect.  Before I knew it, I was sharing my bed with the cows, the lambs were hogging the remote, the pigs were getting daily massages and the horses were in therapy and stealing my Xanax.  It was untenable! E-I-E-I-O.

Me: Well that sounds terrible. It must have been very traumatic for you.

OMD: It was! But thank God I still had my chickens. With a cluck cluck here and a cluck cluck there.

Me: But then something else happened. Tell our viewers about it.

OMD: I never thought it could get worse. But it did. Supermarkets would only buy eggs that came from free-range, cage-free (NOT the same as free-range), antibiotic-free, organic, vegetarian, hormone-free and non-GMO chickens. It was so confusing!  I couldn’t keep up.

Me: So have you decided to shut down the farm?

OMD: No siree! I decided to anticipate the next fad and I developed the first vegetables raised on a diet solely of vegetables.

Me: How is that different from vegetables getting food in a traditional way, i.e. from the soil?

OMD: I developed and patented a way to actually feed vegetables to the vegetables.

Me: So, the carrots, for example, eat carrots?  Are they cannibal carrots?  Are you saying you’re raising cannibals on your farm?

OMD: I hadn’t thought of it like that.

OMD’s Mom (from off screen): I told you you should have gone to med school!

OMD: I’m half Jewish.